Ed – The Date

I remember distinctly how attracted I was to Ed – because I just so happened to snap a picture of him and I before we parted ways, which is pretty fortunate since I was intoxicated beyond belief and kind of only remembered him because I saw the scurrilous flirting in text message form. "Mayb ill c u l8r sxy dnrsnse" (yea, I couldn't figure that one out either). But when I found the picture in my camera it all came flooding back.

When I looked at the picture I compared it to this one… and it was pretty close. I even had a second opinion.

See what I mean? If you're a guy and don't see what the big deal is – look at the fine angles of his chin and neck and his soft styled but kind of messy hair… I really could go on but I shouldn't. There's always time to come back to this after you read about the date, so moving on…

I was to meet him on the way into town and we'd have a couple of drinks in the local pub so off I went listening to Vampire Weekend (Edward Cullen – Twilight… get it? Clever, aren't I?) I at least didn't go out in heels this time. My pub outfit was a bit Minnie Mouse if you ask me looking back on it. To be honest I do not know what the hell I was thinking when I wore that but here it is anyway.

Hair – two low buns (pigtail style) with a thin black elastic wrap/headband

Black t-shirt with white poka dots

New dark blue skinny jeans (one size smaller than my last pair)

Black & White Converse shoes

Red lips! And that Amy Whinehouse eyeliner flick – but not so trashy

I was walking into town and about 10 minutes into my journey and I saw him coming from the other direction. He was wearing a fitted tweed jacket and a derby – which I thought looked really sweet on him. I got the chance to admire it up close and from behind as well because he walked straight passed me and up the hill towards my house. I just stood there in the middle of the sidewalk gobsmacked. He just walked right past me!

Now, I'm not the kind of girl who likes to go chasing after a man, so I had no idea what to do… So, I walked on to the pub. I figured he would call, text, or turn around eventually – so the best I can do is be where I'm supposed to be – at the pub… having a drink. And if he never showed up, I think I would have been fine with that. I was a bit gutted that even if he didn't recognize me, he didn't check me out either – so as my mom would say, "fuck'um".

Lucky for you, he called. The night continued.

It turns out he went all the way to my block of flats and then called to see if I was planning on coming out anytime soon. Smart ass. When I told him I was at the pub, I waited 20 minutes for him to show up which was plenty of time to get a drink in.

Being a lightweight has its perks…it's many many perks. But one of those is that when your friend is late, and you get a sneaky double from bartender, most of the time you can get through an entire glass of rum & coke before your friend even shows up. Which means you are in a chipper enough mood to not be annoyed when him/her when he/she sits next to you and doesn't apologize for making you wait – which brings me to Ed…

After the date with Larry, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Ed didn't remember what I looked like, but apparently he snapped a picture of us on his phone that night as well so he didn't have a hard time picking me out. The red lipstick did throw him off a bit though, but he was pleasantly surprised so he said.

Since he was late (and a dude) I thought that maybe he would buy the first round, but Ed believed in equality (which is a polite way of saying he was a cheap bastard). To be fair I still had a quarter of my drink left, maybe he thought I would be fine with just that, but he never asked so that gave him a strike in my book. He ordered a pint of lager and we decided to take our drinks (I bought another – single this time) and our conversation to the comfy sofas in the back.

The conversation was good. We bantered back and forth about my Americanisms and discussed jobs, travelling and tattoos. He thought I was funny and complimented me often and even said I had a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie [snort] but anyway I was really enjoying myself. We'd been talking for nearly 2 hours by the time we'd finished our drinks. I was happy to see he didn't drink like a fish, but looking back it was probably because he couldn't afford another one.

There was a faint smell in the air and at first, since we were in a pub I thought nothing of it, but now that we'd moved away from the bar and to the couches, I was surprised I could still smell it.

"Do you smell that?" I asked while sniffing the air.


"It smells like [sniff] like [sniff] a sandwhich."

"Haha, no, I don't smell it."

"Maybe it's the leather chairs."

"Hey, do you want to watch a film?" he asked.

It's a bit late and the cinema is a bit of a stretch from here, but what the hell?

"Yea, which one do you have in mind"

"Well I've got a couple of DVDs at the house if you want."

Ooooooh, you meant DVD. Hmmm. "Okay, yea sure."

For all of those people wondering why the hell I went home with someone I'd just met, let me give you a little tour of my mind.

  1. I'm a trusting person – if someone says we are going to watch a film, I genuinely believe we are going to watch a film… maybe we'll have some light chitchat and a cuddle, but we will be watching that film – I could probably write an essay on it afterwards
  2. I'd technically had 3 shots in the span of 2 hours – for a lightweight who most likely didn't eat dinner because she didn't have time after doing her hair, that's a lot
  3. He is really really cute… come on… things are going so well!
  4. I carry a concealed weapon

So with all that resting peacefully in the back of my mind we trudged off to his place.

He lived in a gated block of flats – they were really nice. The footpath was lined with small trees and all the doors were painted dark green with silver numbers on them with a knocker. I pictured myself walking hand and hand with him after shopping in town. Maybe we'd have a dog with us and we could take him to the fields just beyond the second row of flats. [humming in my head and swinging my arms a bit - really silly grinning] We came to number 18 and he opened the door.

The foyer was lined with shoes – I did a quick count and it was way more than mine and some of the shoes looked quite femine. He didn't mention having a female flatmate but I assumed it was his flatmate's friend or something. I could just see the living room from where I was standing and someone was in their watching TV so when Ed directed me up the flight of stairs to his room I thought nothing of it and was pleased I didn't have to make introductions and polite small talk with a stranger. I thought it was cute that he didn't want his flatmate to embarrass him in front of me.

And then I heard someone crying… no wait… was it laughing?

Ed opened the door to his room and there on top of his bed sat a gangly, shaggy haired boy in glasses laughing himself into tears and rolling around.

"Ed! Ed! You have to see what I found on your computer"

If you are like me then you are thinking – porn! Oh my God, what have I walked into?!

"Josie, this is Carl, my flatmate," he said guiding me into the room. "What did you find?"

Carl clicked play on the screen and the three of us sat on his bed (which doubled as a desk chair for his computer) and watched the clip.

To explain this in words will likely not do it any justice – or maybe you'll see it exactly how I did… The clip was of Carl, Ed, and one of their other friends in Ed's bedroom. Carl was on the bed passed out and Ed and his friend were hitting him with a pillow and poking him. Carl was moaning for them to stop, but the two – obviously hammered – went on relentlessly for seven minutes… I laughed politely, not wanting to appear stuck up, but that was just strange to watch.

And then Carl said, "I've got to show this to my mum… MUM!... Mum!"

A woman's voice comes from downstairs.

"Mum come here and watch something!"

Carl's mother, a rather large woman in a rather large blue dress lumbers into the room and takes a seat – not right next to the screen, not beside me – on me! The woman sat ON me! I could see it coming. I swear I could even hear the beep beep beep as she backed up, but in all my shock and confusion I couldn't utter a word to stop her, and she sat on me.

"Oh dear!" she said, "I didn't see you there."


"That's fine, I'll move over. I've already seen it." So once again, I sat through seven minutes of some drunk getting tortured by pillows, and although I didn't find it funny yet again, everyone else was doubling over with laughter. I guess this one was above me. [ahem]

After the laughter subsided, thankfully Carl and his mother left and Ed popped in a Family Guy DVD to watch. His room was comparable to a dormitory. The one small room was an office, lounge and bedroom all in one with the bed doubling as a desk chair and a sofa. I must admit I was really uncomfortable sitting on that bed. It was enormous for one and Carl was here just 30 minutes ago watching movies on Ed's computer…

And I was on his bed… it's a first date! What am I doing here!

So I sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed and watched the show. There was a lot of awkward silence and then Ed decided to ease the tension a bit, but there was that smell again… omg I think it's him… he smells like pastrami… what did he have for lunch?

"Would you like a drink?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine."

"I'm going to have one, are you sure, I've got blackcurrant squash?"

"No thank you, I'm okay." and the smell is off-putting.

He got up to grab a drink from the mini fridge and must have gotten quite hot with all the moving around so he decided to take his shirt off.

[stunned] Now I was getting the chance to fully see the tattoos on his back… and it appeared to be a lot of flowers (okay, they're pretty, I guess that's cool… a bit emo, but I dig it)… oh and the word 'Amore'… now that's a bit…errrm… I decided not to say anything about it and be a silent observer as he sat next to me. It was still a bit uncomfortably silent but I tried my best to pay attention to the show and laugh when the canned laughter did. Out of the corner of my eye I saw he was enjoying it and every now and then risking a glance my way. I smiled a bit when I caught him and he giggled.

He'd finished his squash and was situating the pillows when I felt his hand rest on mine. I was flustered and getting short of breath and at a complete loss for words. I went to say something but forgot what it was so it came out as kind of a moaning, "uuuuuun". I didn't have time to be embarrassed though. He hiccupped and then appeared to throw-up in his mouth. I pretended I'd been looking down when he looked at me and then he swallowed it.

Eeeeeww! Did that just happen? I think he drank his juice too fast and then got a little over excited. Or maybe it was bad pastrami. Oh God! There's that smell again.

I was stuck there. I knew he wanted a kiss, but there was no way in hell I was going there. He leaned in and pretended nothing had just happened. He had both of my hands in his and his eyelids looked heavy.

"I should probably get going," I said. "It's late, and I have work in the morning."

"You can stay here," he said with a look of surprise.

"Ummm, no. Thank you, but that isn't necessary or appropriate. I have my own flat and we've only just met."

"But it's cold, you'll have to walk up there 30 minutes, all on your own."

Well, gee thanks for offering to make sure I get back safely.

"I'll call a cab," I said.

I gathered my shoes, threw on my coat and waved goodbye to Carl's mom who was digging in the kitchen cabinets. Ed decided the least he could do was walk me to the end of the road where the taxi could pick me up. It took 10 minutes for him to arrive and I felt my toes and arms were going to fall off from the chill, but I didn't want to touch Ed, no matter how nice and warm he looked. He smelled like pastrami. I didn't know if that could rub off on me, and I didn't need to risk that right before bed… fuck it I'm taking a shower anyway, come here and keep me cozy.

The cab finally made its way to the end of the road and before I got away Ed pulled me close and nearly kissed me on the lips had I not ducked out of the way and pecked him on the cheek first.

"I had a nice time," I said. "See you around."

"Yea, we'll have to do this on a weekend sometime when you don't have to go to work."

Translation: so you can sleep over… no thank you dickhead.

Date time: 5 hours.

Overall appeal of Ed: 8 for looks (2 point deduction for smell and tattoos – he was lucky it was only two) 6 for conversation, 2 for manners

Would I date him again? Yes... and I say that because despite the fact that he lives with a strange young man and his mother, and the fact that he smelled of lunch meat and vomited, and that he didn't notice me passing on the street and he's incredibly cheap and bit sleazy... okay so I was going to say that maybe he was just having a bad night, but no... no.

Goodnight kiss: No... and frankly the more I think about it... eeeeuuhh... let's just not think about it.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha! I just came across your blog and I've been giggling my way through all your stories. Brilliant! Pastrami...urgh....