I don't mean this in a conceded way. I don't mean this in a self-loathing way. I just don't understand and moreover, I don't even want to think about the answer to that question, because there's no doubt in my mind that it is partially, if not wholly my fault.
I meet nice men, who are too nice and are therefore a bit boring - like Derek, sorry Derek. They look good, and they are courteous but they won't make a fucking move.
Derek and I went on 3 dates and only kissed once. ONCE! In three dates I think that's a bit slow. Obviously something wasn't working. I didn't want to make all the first moves and after a while, I began to think he wasn't interested in me and I wondered if I was even interested in him.
Sure he was nice, and to be honest the fact that he owned two companies and bought a two bedroom flat in Central London made him enormously attractive, but something was missing. On paper he sounded perfect. He liked to read, was ambitious with food (aside from being vegetarian) and he loved to go on long walks and just 'discover' things. I mean, it felt like he read my checklist before meeting me. But when we laughed, I didn't feel like I was actually laughing. Everything was just a little too polite. Everyone I've met recently has been that way in some form or another. And... I can just tell... I'm not as happy as I used to be.
Looking back, I can't remember the last time I actually had a good laugh about anything when I was with a guy. I remember those times with my girlfriends laughing about a guy, but even still... that was months ago.
Unfortunately the hard days don't seem to be over. Things are looking bleak up ahead as my role at work changes, my boss quits and I'm still...STILL massively underpaid for my talent and work. Top that off with being cold, not getting the chance to speak to my mother much, my dad having surgery which makes me want to fly home to the States and run away from it all... oh yea.. and this new guy I'm seeing is being a bit flaky (or am I just paranoid) uuuugg it looks like we have the winter blues setting in for at least another month or two.
[ho hum]
Who knows what tomorrow will bring though, after all 'it is another day'. blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Don't feel too sad, Spring is just around the corner, and who knows what that will hold! Just keep swimming :) xx
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